Newsies have SLASH!
by ApplePie777
Summary: Don't get me wrong...I love Newsies slash...but have you ever really read some of those? Here's to a session of poking fun of those silly, cliche ones. On hiatus.
1. Sprace: SpotRacetrack

Sprace

_A/N: Okay, so again, no offense. I personally like slash, but some stories are plain OOC and dumb. _

_Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Newsies. Or Boom Boom Boom Boom by the Vengaboys. _

-----------------------------------------------------

Spot stared out into the water.

He loved Race so much. But he was wayyyyy to manly to admit it.

Race walked up to him. He burst out into song:

"Boom boom boom boom  
I want you in my room  
Let's spend the night together  
From now until forever  
Boom boom boom boom  
I wanna double boom (Race made some suggestive motions here)  
Let's spend the night together  
Together in my room!"

Race walked off giggling.

Spot sighed. There was nooooo way that Race liked him.

Hell, he didn't even know if Racetrack was gay!

He decided to call a meeting of the Manhattan Newsies.

Jack was the leader, but they all just LOVED Spot and didn't mind at ALL Spot taking charge occasionally. Yeah.

When they all assembled like good children, Spot gazed fondly at them.

"I called you all to say… c'mere, Race... I love you, Racetrack‼!" Spot squealed. His fears were coming true. He sounded the opposite of manly. I won't say what that is.

Racetrack, who had joined him, blushed like an idiot and giggled again. "Me too‼!"

Spot's eyes filled with tears.

They rushed off the stage to make hot man-love. It was fun and detailed. The assembled crowd all disappeared into thin air because, well, who wants to hear about them anyways, when SPOT and RACETRACK are doing more interesting stuff together?

They later married and had 25 children all named Jake. I dunno why.

-------------------------------------------------

A/N: So…read any fics like this? I have.


	2. Blush: BlinkMush

Sprace

_A/N: Blush is the worst when it comes to clichés. Again, no offense intended. _

_Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Newsies. Only Mush's high heels. _

-----------------------------------------------------

Blink stared at Mush.

"Mush is sooooooooooooooooooo HOTT!" He thought, sounding like a 13-year-old girl talking about someone who is…well, hot.

He was secretly in love with Mush, even though he pretended not to be gay because he was ashamed. Awww! Poor creature!

Mush, on the other hand, was as gay as they get, openly. He wore sparkly, girly jeans, a tight, glittery top saying, "Girls are stoopid. Boys for me!" and high heels.

Pink high heels.

It turned Blink on, secretly.

So one day, he snapped from ill-concealed lust.

Just _guess_ what I mean by ill-concealed.

Anyhoo, he jumped Mush's bones, and kissed him until the poor lad's lips bled. Yes, that always happens.

_Mush _was somehow turned on by THAT, and they had hot-mansex.

Notice a pattern here?

Well, they dated and became sickeningly cute.

Then Mush got jealous and to get revenge, danced suggestively (ooh la la!) with another guy to "get "Blinky-poo jealous." His exact words, right there.

Then the gay (literally, hehe) couple made up, but the other dude abused Mush.

So Blink beat up said dude.

And they lived happily ever after until Mush got pregnant. Oops! But that's another story.

-------------------------------------------------

A/N: Sorry. But I couldn't resist. Is the rating fine? 


	3. Sputchy: SpecsDutchy

Sputchy

_A/N: Woah‼! I just read the worst Sputchy fic in the history of mankind. That, others, and my brain inspired this chappie. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies. _

-----------------------------------------------------

Specs best friends with Dutchy.

"Hiya, Sex‼" called Dutchy.

"Tee hee hee! I mean, Specs!" laughed Dutchy wittily.

"Hahahahahhahahahahaahahahahaaha‼!" screamed Specs weirdly.

He didn't think it was funny, but he had to be loyal to his twoo wuv.

You see, Dutchy and Specs were in denial about being in love with each other‼! Oh my gosh!

But they soon confessed their love and had sex.

Without protection‼!

Shame on them.

…..2 years later…..

Smex (as he now called himself, because he was so smexy!) and Dutchy were holding hands and skipping about.

Birds chirped around them, flowers bloomed and little lambs took their first wee steps on our dear mother planet earth. Awww‼!

It was their second anniversary.

"Dutchy-wutchy, my lovey dovey bunnybird honey-poo, let's make out to celebrate this grand occasion," said Smex shyly and hotly.

"Let's!" cried the ever-ready Dutchy.

They made out passionately and retardedly .

Then Dutchy pulled out a gold ring from a velvet case and proposed to Specs. I mean Smex. Sorry.

"Oh, my love!" bellowed Smex.

"Yesh, of coursh I shall!" he continued madly. For he was drunk. They always are.

Then Dutchy cried. The moment was just so touching!

Holy crap, it was a sad day.

No, wait, it was a happy, GAY day‼!

They resumed skipping around pointlessly.

Then, they went at it like rabbits.

I won't say what it is.

Just know they lived happily evah aftah.

Because Dutchy had a weird accent.

Didn't you know that?

-------------------------------------------------

A/N: Ha ha, the fic did use the…interesting adjectives, but the rest was by brain, remembering all Sputchy fics it has ever read, and exaggerating the clichés. Use protection, kids! XP


	4. Snittery: SkitterySnitch

Snittery

_A/N: Because AdenalineRush16 suggested I write that odd pairing…_

_Disclaimer: Do I look like Walt Disney to you? _

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi. My name is Bob Jones. But please call me Skittery.

I got my name because I get jumpy, nervous, y'know?

Like if you say "Hi" to me, I'll jump off the roof.

If you say "Bye" to me, boy, you should see how far I jump! I hit the ceiling!

And man, if you say "It's the stinky cheese guy!" I just have a heart attack!

My friends do that all the time to annoy me, tee hee.

They are ALL gay.

The whole school is gay.

And all my pals at Rape-r-us High School have weird nicknames.

Like "Blink" and "Mush." They're a couple, you know.

Blink is a pothead, and Mush is a juvenile delinquent. Isn't it just so cute?

My other friends are "Race" and "Jake" and "Snoddy" and "Itey" and "Specs" and "Dutchy" and "Pie Eater" and "Jack" and "Spot" and "Gregory."

"Gregory" is "Jake's" boyfriend.

Excellent hair, excellent singing voice.

Always, we all smoke, drink, do illegal drugs, have sex, swear, never wash our dirty underwear, and push little kids over going "mwahahaha!"

Naughty, naughty boys.

Well, I'm in love with Snitch, who is my bestest friend.

Sadly, he has a girlfriend and makes out with her all the time.

And that's not all, he does it in front of me.

In fact, he invites me over to watch and emails me videos with them, and texts me about his sex life in great detail. It's pure torture!

I cut meself because of that. Me mam doesn't know, though. I share me pain with no one but meself.

I'm also Irish, apparently.

Well, I'm so jealous that one day when he was making out with his girlfriend, I run away sobbing me little heart out and fling meself on me bed.

Suddenly Snitch pops up from under a lampshade and bellows "Why are you sad, my not-so-secret-admirer?"

I screech back, "Because I love you'se!"

I'm not Irish after all. Darn!

"I always have loved you! Me heart burns with love for you!" I squalled.

Yay! I am Irish!

"I love you too, Skits! I'm so sorry I made you sad! She was just a cover-up for my love. I thought you like being a voyeur!" shrieks Snitch.

"No. You'se are my true love." I reply.

Not Irish, I guess.

"Let me lips meet yours in fiery passion." I continue.

Irish! Woot!

"Yo boyfrien' let's make out!" I translate upon seeing his confusion.

He blinks.

I blink.

He nods.

I nod.

He smiles.

I smile.

He does the Macarena.

I do the Macarena.

He sings the Habanera from _Carmen_. He was better than Greggy-boy!

I sing the Habanera from _Carmen_.

We make out.

We dated for 10 years and then married, divorced, married, divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

Just kidding.

But……………we-broke-up-15-years-later-and-he-dated-a-dude-named-James-and-I-dated-Gregory-and-we-sang-together-until-Greggo-commited-suicide-and-then-homphobes-attacked-Snitch-and-I-nursed-him-back-to-health-and-then-we-married-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after!

…._el fin_.

*Beams*

-------------------------------------

_A/N: yeaaaa, that was crazy. Likey or no likey? _


	5. Javid: JackDavid

Javid

_A/N: Javid for Laelyn24. _

_Denton/David is coming up next for AdrenalineRush16. _

_Enjoy! _

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack is straight. Straight as an arrow.

He even sleeps with Sarah!

But Sarah is an ugly cheater. With wrinkles‼‼‼‼

Unlike Davey-boy. He has no wrinkles, thank the lord.

I mean, wrinkles? Who has wrinkles these days?

David is loyal and somehow amusing and his face is shaped like a squished octopus.

Jack fantasies about said squished octopus-face every day after…um…enjoying Sarah's company, let's say.

Therefore, he is not straight. But we shall ignore that fact until later, okay?

David is new to Rape-r-us High School (this, my friends, is before our friends Skittery and Snitch made out) and Sarah is not.

Therefore, she ignores him and is insanely mean to him. Pure logic, of course.

Soooo, Davey-boy is alone and sad.

But then, "Jack" and "Blink" and "Mush" and "Race" and "Jake" and "Skittery" and "Snitch" and "Snoddy" and "Itey" and "Specs" and "Dutchy" and "Pie Eater" and "Spot" and "Gregory" come over, and introduce themselves like it's been rehearsed.

Of course, it hasn't.

Unless they practice helping "Jack" seduce young, naïve, octopus-faced boys.

Which they don't, obviously.

"Davey" immediately notices that "Gregory" has prettiful hair and an excellent singing voice.

He sighs dreamily, for he is gay.

The whole school is gay‼!

Except for Jack, and Skittery, and Snitch.

Who are not gay whatsoEVER!

Scary, I know.

I mean, who isn't gay?

Jack, Skittery, and Snitch aren't.

They are NOT gay whatsoEVER! ‼!

Huh, déjà vu.

Well, Sarah suddenly dies, and everyone throws her outside for the rats to eat.

They then take turns watching her decompose and cackling evilly.

"Snoddy" is disturbingly good at that.

David is liberated from the bonds of evil and kisses Jack randomly in a fit of passion.

Then he immediately says to Jack, "Sorry, I shouldn't have done that! No hard feelings, love?"

Jack says, "Well, I have to go do something somewhere. Toodles!"

And runs away.

David sobs. His tears smell like blueberries. Tragic, right?

They avoid each other for a few days.

Sadly, they fail at that.

They see each other everywhere. In classes, between classes, at the lunch tables, _under_ the lunch tables, in the men's restroom, in the _women's_ restroom, terrifyingly, in their dreams.

In Jack's dream, David is a yellow octopus and had long, silky gray hair.

In David's dream, Jack is a blueberry named 'Munchkin'.

Thus, Jack suddenly realizes his true gayness and apologizes to Davey.

Who does not mind being called that, apparently.

They have wild make-up sex.

Now only Snitch and Skittery are not gay in Rape-r-us High School.

They are not gay whatsoEVAARRR‼!

Huh, déjà vu about déjà vu.

*Zooms out on octopus-face-Davey and blueberry-Jack making out like wild bottle blue flies*

The End‼!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! _


	6. Daventon: DentonDavey

A/N: Finally! A new chapter. Hope no one's forgotten about me! OH‼! And you won't get the Gregory or Jake thing unless you read previous chapters. And try playing the karaoke version of _Can you Feel the Love Tonight _and sing along with these words. It works!

………..

Disclaimer: I do not own the Newsies, or _Can you Feel the Love Tonight_. Elton John does. But not the Newsies, just the song.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Denton/Davey

Davey went to Rape-r-us High School. Since he was the shy, sweet, octopus-like new child, two counselors guided him nobly around the school.

They were Denton and Pope Gregory VII.

Pope Gregory VII was actually just Gregory, but he felt Pope-like today. And when Gregory feels pope-like, he IS a pope.

Denton was a pedophile. A gay pedophile. Young boys were his specialty. Oooo!

He was about to use a corny lick-up line on poor, naïve Davey, but, unluckily, Pope Greg VII burst out into song.

And when Greg bursts out into song, everyone is QUIET.

It was to the tune of _Can you Feel the Love Tonight _by John Elton. Elton John. Sorry.

"There's a certain creepiness

To Denton's pick-up lines:

Like 'If you were a piece of cheese

I would chomp on you!'

So young octopus-Davey

Don't be fooled by our Denton!

He might look like your dear old Gran-dpa

But he's an old fart!

(Chorus)

And can you feel the love tonight?

Denton's lust is sad!

It's enough to make Popes and Jakey-poos

Believe the world shall end!

There's a time for everything

But not for Denton and Davey

Because that relationship is sick and wrong,

Unlike mine and Jake's!

OMG dear lo-ord,

Denton is eyeing Dave

In a way that shows his lu-ust

For the world to see!

[spoken] oh ew‼!

(Chorus)

And can you feel the love tonight?

Denton's lust is sad!

It's enough to make Popes and Jakey-poos

Believe the world shall end!

It's enough to make Popes and Jakey-poos

Believe the world shall end!"

Pope Gregory VII curtsied, flipped his shiny, shiny hair, and went off to make out with Jake.

Denton and Davey looked at each other awkwardly.

"If it helps, I'm an unpedophile!" said Davey kindly. "it's someone that likes old Grampas like you."

"Oh Davikins!" squealed Denton.

"Ahem. My beloved David. Come to my arms." corrected Denton.

And so Davey did. And then they went at it like rabid giant hamsters who have been sexually deprived for 50 years.

------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: :) Do actually sing the song. It's a heck of a lotta fun.


	7. Spack: SpotJack

A/N: update! Yay! Spot/Jack, but I was in a weird mood when I wrote it. Bear with me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies or "Respect," which Aretha Franklin owns, or iPods, which Apple owns. But I do own Greggo the Eggo and Jimmy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spack

Jack puffed away on his pipe like an old grandpa who denies that smoking is unhealthy. Let's call aforementioned grandpa Jimmy.

Jack denies that smoking is unhealthy too.

Hey, we should hook Jimmy up with Jack!

But no, they might fight over the pipe.

Jimmy is Gregory's great-granduncle-twice-removed's brother's mother's son's uncle's cousin from his father's mother's side.

Their similarities are subtle, but strong. They both dance the same way to "Respect," they both put on mascara with their mouths open, and they both have pretty hair.

Except, Jimmy has pretty ear-hair, and Gregory has pretty head-hair and toe-hair.

Jack's hair is not as shiny. Greggo the Eggo recommends 'Garnier Fructis: Sleek and Shiny' shampoo and conditioner.

Jack apparently is so wimpy that his hair still get frizzy in the rain. The Greg is not impressed.

Jack was thinking about his girly hair problems when suddenly, Sullen Potty-mouth Ovoid Turdalicious, or SPOT for short, came over and after calling Jacky-boy a female, kicked him in the place it hurts.

Indeed, it hurt.

Through manly tears, Jack squeaked, much like a gerbil.

SPOT'S face resembled - :)

Jack's face resembled this - :(

Then, SPOT, who has been demoted to Spot, proceeded to rape Jack.

For some reason, you see, writers these days think being raped is flattering, because the rapist thinks you are sexy enough to rape you.

Logic??? Where hath thou goneth?

Logic: "You calling me? Incidentally, I have died and gone to Heaven,"

Ugh, dammit. Now what shall happen to Jacky-boy?

He liked it, secretly.

They both pretended it never happened, which sounds hard to do considering they both are lusting after each other.

They both sang sad songs on their iPods.

Coincidentally, they both sang the same sad songs at the same time, but at different places.

They took up yoga to soothe their egos, and were coincidentally in the same class.

As a complete coincidence, they were assigned to be partners.

After a couple coincidentally alluring poses, they fell in lust again. The yoga diminished their egos enough to make them date again.

They did it together a lot. In fact, they never talked. Only had sex.

They don't even know each other's last names.

But they do know what it feels like when……….you know what, never mind.

Let's just say they enjoy each other very much. Very very much.

Very very very much.

Etcetera.


End file.
